Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
