He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
