you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Randomize
