Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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