please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
