She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
