I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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