I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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