is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Boobs speak an international language.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
