Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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