Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
