Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
