I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
