pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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