she looked like the before picture.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
