First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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