I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
