I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
