i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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