Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I could make wine with my vomit
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
3 2 1 whiskey
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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