I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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