We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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