just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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