She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
