Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
