So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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