he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
