Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
