At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
