lets start a swedish sibling band together
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm getting married
To pizza
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
