It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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