I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
