oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
