i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
