My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize