I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
