Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize