Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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