I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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