you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
this just has baby written all over it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm always down for nudity.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
