shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
