I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
