my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
