My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
