it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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