I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
