My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
