My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
