Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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