Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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