If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
