god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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