my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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