One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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