the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
