happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think I am morally bankrupt
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize